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Tamara Bołdak-Janowska. Ktoś musi narzekać.

by czasopis.pl / ago

felietonisci-05Naraj stracił w ubiegłym roku dwie osoby w sposób niespodziewany – Janusza Korbela i zaraz po nim Wiktora Łukaszewicza. Janusz odszedł na początku sierpnia, jeszcze przed naszym poetycko-filozoficznym zjazdem w Narejkach. Wiktor, nasz ludowy samorodek poetycki, był uczestnikiem Naraju 2015, zmarł pod koniec roku. Jego śmierć mnie bardzo zasmuciła. Dopiero co słuchaliśmy jego wierszy w języku prostym. Dopiero co spotkałam się z nim po pół wieku z górą. Razem chodziliśmy do szkoły podstawowej w Wierobiach, kiedy jeszcze mieściła się w dworku, kiedy jeszcze byli uczniowie z Zubek, Narejek, Skroblaków, Wierobi. Teraz nie ma szkoły i nie ma dzieci.

Na Zajazd do Naraju przyjechał po raz pierwszy i okazało się, że ostatni. Nacieszył się, naczytał swoich ludowych wierszy. Polubiliśmy go.

Niech on sam mówi swoim wierszem. Wiersz przysłał mi w liście, na który nie zdążyłam odpowiedzieć. Nie przypuszczałam, że ten list do mnie i ten wiersz to pożegnanie na zawsze, więc nie spieszyłam się z odpowiedzią. O śmierci Wiktora dowiedziałam się od kuzyna Jana z Zubek. Zadzwonił do mnie w tej smutnej sprawie. Jeśli ktoś będzie w stanie przeczytać ten tekst, poczuje chwilę wyciskającą łzy i powodującą wzmożone bicie serca. Spisałam go z rękopisu Wiktora, ale zbyt wielki w nim ładunek autentyku, abym go przeczytała ponownie równie wnikliwie, jak po raz pierwszy. Wiktor prosił, abym oceniła ten tekst – czy to już wiersz, czy tylko rozpacz i strach. Zbyt późno dotarło do mnie, że to i rozpacz, i strach, i wiersz, no i pożegnanie. Wiersz bez dystansu do słów, a więc pożegnanie, rozpacz, strach. To przekracza pojęcie poezji, taki ładunek. W poezji musi być zachowany dystans do słów. Zapisane słowa muszą być objęte chłodnym spojrzeniem, takim trochę obcym, aby forma poetyckiej wypowiedzi mogła przejść proces dojrzewania i ostatecznie była przeznaczona dla wielu ludzi w ten sposób, że osobiste emocje już nie przesłaniają ogólnoludzkiego przekazu. Tu mamy autentyk, w którym doprowadzenie osobistych emocji do ich poetyckiej formy końcowej było niemożliwe. Nie było na to czasu. I tak sądzę, że ten tekst poruszy wielu.

Oto wiersz – pożegnanie Wiktora:

 

Astatniaja spowiadź

Moj los złażyǔ minie u paściel.
Dachtara nadzieji ni dajuć.
U hrudziach srożycca kipiel.
Czamuż ja Boha ni maliǔ.
Szto sutki dziakuju ża Bohu
za toj dzianiok, szto ja prażyǔ.
Siahodnia czuju ża trywohu,
ci ja Tabie szto dobraja zrabiǔ.
Boża, ty minie ni papichaj.
Ja mieǔ pad horku zaǔsiahda.
Zabacz, wakruh minie ziamla
z majim życiom, a jano adna biada.
Dusza i serco choczuć żyć,
aliż trebo – ni dajuć spakoju.
Pawodle śmierć uże sidzić,
a mnie spiawajuć za ǔpakoj
u nowym domu.
I szto ja hreszny, ja skażu.
Znaju, u rai kałom staić jazyk.
Maǔczkom i zohnutaj śpinoj
adkryju ǔsiu swaju duszu.
Ja ni kniaź. Prasty mużyk.
Jak trudno praǔdu adnak skazać.
Za pozno hlanuǔ na sibie.
A ci tam budzia jaki świet?
Jak hety ciażko pakidać.
Napnuǔszy muskuły i śpinu
pacichońku kryż swoj ja niasu.
Bajuś, spytaja mnie Haspodź:
Ci hetak kryż pamoh niaści Chrystu?
Usio nawywarat staić.
Dzie żyćcio, tam śmierć
i jaje dźwiery. Druhich nima.
U nahłaj ciemry ni umieju hawaryć.
Zahraźniany u joj,
żyćcio całuju nauhad.
Ni to iści, a trebo biehczy u toj świet.
Kab chtoś tabie praściǔ, byłob lahczej.
Bo i moj, i ǔsich ludziej
kożny szah zahreszany.
Sudzia adzin, i heta Ty.
Astatni raz Ty daj mnie siłu
złażyci palczyki wo try.
Kyrie elejson, Hospodi pomiłuj.

Och. Wzdycham. I muszę wspomnieć jeszcze jednego mężczyznę.

Sokrat.Czy ktoś poza Sokratem tak mocno się upierał, żeby Boga nie wykorzystywać jako alibi do naszych podłych uczynków? Ano nikt. W powyższym wierszu Bóg jest osobistym rozmówcą, a nie alibi. Wiktor mówiąc „Ja ni kniaź. Prasty mużyk”, trzyma się ludowej formy wypowiedzi, jak w innych tekstach, które słyszeliśmy w Naraju i które ja przytaczałam w moich szkicach. Ludowość to była potęga równowagi pomiędzy nami a Bogiem naszego wyznania. Nie do pomyślenia była nasza ludowa wiejska sytuacja, że jedna wioska zbrojnie napada na sąsiednią wioskę w imię Boga, może jeszcze niosąc chorągiewki z napisami „Bóg z nami”. Do Boga zwracaliśmy się w sytuacji granicznej, czy to w chwili życiowego dramatu, czy to umierając, czy przez kilka tygodni czując, że to już. Oczywistością jest i pozostaje ludowe powiedzenie: „Jak trwoga, to do Boga”. Powiedzenie to nie powinno zawierać elementu krytycznego, który nie wiadomo kiedy wrósł w te słowa i znaczy: no proszę, tak się to w ogóle nie modli, a jak trwoga to do Boga. W sytuacji granicznej jesteśmy zdani tylko na krańcową samotność i nawet bliscy nam nie pomogą, więc jasne, że pozostaje nam wołać do najgłębszej głębi w nas, czy ta głębia jest, czy nie, i czy jesteśmy wierzący, czy nie. Wołamy w tę głęboką przestrzeń egzystencjalną jak do jedynego przyjaciela, nawet dobrze wiedząc, że ten jedyny przyjaciel to okrutna ciemność, o której przecież nie wiemy nic.

Nasz wiejski ludowy Bóg nigdy nie stawał się polityczny. Nigdy też nie należał do żadnej bandy w charakterze alibi. Jak wiele tracimy, tracąc ludowość. Miasta nie dają nam nowej tożsamości. Niszczą każdą tożsamość. Dawny miejski folklor znika. Nie ma dziś folkloru miejskiego w postaci żywych nośnych piosenek, orkiestr klezmerskich, obecnych na każdym kroku. Wszystko musi być zinstytucjonalizowane, przynosić zysk gminom. Ulice miast są dziś martwe, bo pozbawione tej odrobiny wolności, sprzyjającej sztuce ulicy. Nie ma umowy społecznej na odrobinę luzu na miejskiej ulicy. Jeśli w Olsztynie pojawiają się jacyś uliczni grajkowie, to nie reprezentują nic żywego, nic wielkiego. I natychmiast znikają. Tropi ich straż miejska? Każdy musi być o coś podejrzany?

Nasze ulice są martwe. Pełno świecących pustkami knajpek. Życie zniknęło. Obrzydliwymi napisami zabazgrane stoły w nowym parku. To taka aktywność? Durne bazgroły?

Ktoś musi narzekać na to wszystko. Ktoś musi!

Religia. Sytuacja religii w państwie powinna być taka, żeby żadna banda, żadni bandyci nie mogli się nią podeprzeć, żeby na „swego Boga” nie mogli się powołać. Usunęlibyśmy wtedy wszelki fundamentalizm ze „świętym alibi”, nie podlegającym krytyce. Nie moglibyśmy mówić, że bandyci to islamiści albo chrześcijanie/krzyżowcy. Bandyci to bandyci. Jak bardzo uczciwi duchowni islamu są tu niesłuchani ze swym głosem sprzeciwu wobec nazywania bandytów islamistami! Znowu mówię bajką? Znowu jestem utopijna z moim pragnieniem wyizolowania bandytów z ich świętej otoczki?

Jaszcze wiarnusa da spowiadzi Wiktara. Ja hety astatni jaho wiersz pamiaściła i tamu, szto jon wyrażaja cełu naszu nidaǔnuju wiaskowuju narodnaść, jakaja żywie u nas, choć my daǔno żywiem u horadzi. My lubili ryfmowanyja wierszy, i kali słuchali niryfmowanych, dumali szto heta ni wiersz, a tolki zwykłaja sztadzionnaja mowa. U naszaj prastoj mowie, u katoraj pierastaǔny akcent, słowy zbiahajucca, jak paklijanyja u najlepszaja miesco, i ryfmy sami robiacca. Ni wypracoǔwajucca z trudam, ni spatykajucca jakby u jich chtoś adrezaǔ nahu, ni wisiać, łomiaczy słoǔny ład jak turzanutyja. Jany, hety naszy ryfmy,  ad razu jeść takija, jak trebo. I na swajom miescy. Spowiadź Wiktara możno i zaśpiawać. Na samam dzieli jon napisaǔ dla minie narodnuju pieśniu. Tolki jak jaje zaspiawać, kali u joj stolki strachu, kryǔdy i pakajańja?

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